You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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