He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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