i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
