Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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