we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
