Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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