Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
