Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
