i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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