Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
