I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
