I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
