he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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