Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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