im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
