toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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