Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Boobs are out for the taking
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize