A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
