Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's blow job season.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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