Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
