Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
