WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
