I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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