Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
