I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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