Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
