I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
