Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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