We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We are two peas in an std pod
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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