I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
