I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
