Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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