you win again, gameday.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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