I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
