i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
