I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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