so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
im on a boat
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