talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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