Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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