GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
