if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
