Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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