why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize