May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
