Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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