i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
