I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
