I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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