So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
