I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need to align my fucking chakras
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