i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
