I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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