What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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