the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
