She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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