I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
