apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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