she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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