I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize