I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
