God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
