I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
