So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
