i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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