btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
