You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
