we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
