one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
