My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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