: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
